Monday, June 6, 2011

Workout Mantras

While perusing through an old fitness folder on my computer, I came across these gems. I had these rules/mantras taped up on the inside of my gym locker in grad school. I read these before my workouts (I regularly followed the Seal CrossFit workouts) and reminded myself that in the gym, the weights don't fight back (in judo, they do).

I don't post these to scare. I post these to show the kind of maniac I am.

Spartan's Rules of Training

1) Lactic acid is the Spartan's friend. The Spartan knows the value of anaerobic failure, and actively seeks it out. If he falls on his face, he waits only as long as necessary to move again before he continues.

2) The Spartan takes no breaks between exercises, unless it's to shove a non-Spartan out of the way.

3) The Spartan runs. He does not use Stairmasters, or stationary bikes, or ellipticals. He runs.

4) When the Spartan cannot run, he walks. When he cannot walk, he crawls. When he cannot crawl, he has failed.

5) The Spartan hits big muscles, like the back, the pectorals, the quadriceps and the glutes. He knows this means he is building functional muscle that will assist in the destruction of his enemies and in firing the production of testosterone (of which the Spartan has more than the average man).

6) By contrast, the Spartan does not waste much time on small muscles. They will grow as the result of functional exercise that hits the big muscles (see above). For example, the bicep is only useful in that it assists with chin-ups, and scaling enemy fortifications. Anything else is vanity.

7) The Spartan abhors cables and machines. This is for two reasons. First, to activate stabilizer muscles, the Spartan must depend on
himself to balance the weight, not a machine. Second - look up the adjective "spartan" in the dictionary: "strict and austere." You
should be able to do a Spartan workout in a FOB.

8) The Spartan fears only one thing: his workout. The enemy pales in comparison to his workout. If he doesn't fear his workout, it isn't hard enough.

9) Puking is acceptable. Quitting is not. If he gives up here, he gives up in battle. This is unacceptable.

10) So nature abhors a vacuum, so the Spartan loathes missing a workout. A Spartan can complete a workout in his grandma's basement, a hotel room, or in a city park.

11) If the Spartan is not in pain during his workout, he is wrong.

12) The Spartan never cheats. He maintains proper technique throughout his training, because he knows that smooth is fast, and that he will be mocked mercilessly for "girly pull-ups".

13) The Spartan knows the value of the basics: the push-up, the pull-up, the chin-up, the sit-up, the squat, and the dead-lift. He also knows the importance of variety, and seeks out different techniques mixing up the above.

Theo's Ten Commandments of Lifting

1. Thou shalt not use machines.
2. Thou shall not annoy the lifter on the platform.
3. Thou shall lift a weight from the ground to overhead.
4. Thou shall use full body movements and rarely isolate a muscle.
5. Thou must squat.
6. Thou shall lift explosively.
7. All freaks should stay at 24 Hour Fitness.
8. True weight lifters shall isolate themselves from the fitness industry
9. Thou shalt not use lifting gloves
10.Thou shalt strike down anyone caught reading a magazine while in the gym

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